Who Is Andrew Beattie?

Aloha World,

I thought I would begin today’s small smattering of words to laptop to website to you, with a small apology for my previous ranting nonsense caused by a few days lack of writing and human contact. That’s what a shit load of beer will do to you apparently, and so I’ll be resisting any alcohol for at least the next 30 minutes or so. Incidentally, what is the exact measurement of a shit load? Is it more than a lot and despite it not being an exact measuring device have I used it in the wrong context? Who knows, and more importantly, who cares?

Since I last updated this blog of mine I have been doing as I said I would and following the list, to the letter. I mean I haven’t actually achieved anything of note, no books have been written whilst hot air ballooning after a night out with friends, but I have been looking for a job, just like I said I would. Easing my way into the list with small steps seems the best way to attack it for now and so not only do I have a list, but I also have a game plan. Take that world. With job hunting comes interviews and this week I have been on my first interview for four long years, the last being the interview for my former ’full time’ and current ‘part time’ job, which is currently so part time that my greetings upon entering the office are now “I thought you’d left, again” which, for me at least, clearly vindicates my decision to add job hunting to the list.  

On the morning of the interview, despite having an upset stomach and being genuinely concerned that I might shit myself midway through the awkward greetings, I cut a dashing figure in office type clothes and with last night’s preparation, which consisted of 5 minutes looking at the website, under my belt, I felt fairly confident about the interview. I had enlisted the help of my father to chauffer me to the interview at 2pm, primarily as I can’t drive myself but also because the location for the interview was at least 5 light years away from home and I’d have had to set off the previous evening to ensure I would be there on time. I should have really considered this before, accepting the interview but I couldn’t turn back now, the integrity of my list now depended on it.

Right from the off, I felt that the Interviewer and I had hit it off, let’s call her Donna so as to not make it obvious to her if now reading this that I am in fact the same Andrew Beattie with whom the following events occurred in her office. We both agreed, that without me having the ability to drive a car, that it was nigh on impossible for me to get there on a day to day basis, but ploughed on regardless  with the day’s proceedings pretending that I hadn’t turned up 40 minutes early and interrupted her lunch. I felt this was a good start to things and now that the pleasantries were out of the way, I thought it important to make Debra aware of how ambitious I was. I’m pretty sure I repeatedly said “I’m very, very ambitious” whilst answering every question so as to make it quite clear that I was in fact, very, very ambitious. Towards the end of the interview, I was decidedly upbeat and delighted, almost outwardly smug and certainly inwardly celebrating the fact that that it couldn’t be going any better, and then it dawned on me. I might as well have repeatedly said over and over again “Diane, I want to make it quite clear that as soon as you appoint me for this role, which let’s be honest is now a given, that I will come for your job and while I’m being honest let me also say that there is nothing you can damn well do about it, because I’m very, very ambitious, and your crap.”

 I regained my composure pretty quickly by assuring myself that I was clearly over thinking things at this point and the rest of the interview passed without any incident, allowing me time to forget that I had interrupted Diane’s lunch, couldn’t possibly get to the job I was being interviewed for and had came across like I was already looking out for managerial victims on my climb up the ladder in an interview, with my next victim. On the upside at least I didn’t say anything that would make me sound like a twat I thought as we walked to the gated entrance after the interview, my recent failings may well have gone unnoticed and as long as Deidre didn’t think I was a twat then this may well just be ok.  “So what do you think of the surroundings Andrew, certainly different from other office blocks hey” Diego asked harmlessly, looking around at the countryside. I was at the gate and only inches from freedom and so a polite “It’s lovely” would have clearly sufficed, but oh no, not for a lunch spoiling, non-driving, super ambitious individual like me. “I like fields; they are good for the soul aren’t they?” I replied. Hands were quickly shaken and not another word spoken and I was soon walking down the road, a twat, and light years from home.

Thank you for coming back to visit me and until we meet again,

Take care,

Andrew

P.S. I have also managed to find time in my extremely busy schedule to finish ‘Round Ireland with a Fridge’ by Tony Hawks. I cannot recommend this book highly enough; there are moments along the journey in which I literally had to put the book down for fear of passing out with laughter.