Who Is Andrew Beattie?

Yoo Hoo,

I’m back at my laptop, at my desk for another exiting edition of stuff from my life starring me, Andrew Beattie. This particular episode will cover a range of topics from things I’ve done, right the way through to other corkers such as, things to do when you have lots of spare time and own a shovel and lighter fluid. Are you sitting comfortably? Right then, let’s get going.

Last weekend was my first weekend for several years in which I haven’t woken up with a hangover, on account of my self-imposed total ban on alcohol. It seems to be going ok and so far I haven’t felt the urge to have even a sneaky pint or slug of rum. It would appear that my not drinking is seen by some as a challenge and I have received 2 wagers against my abstinence, which amuses me a great deal. It did dawn on me as hands were being shaken that a) I should have told them to fuck off and b) that their total overconfidence in making the bet is likely to be a result of them being certain that I am either very weak willed or an alcoholic, or both. For me at least, this totally vindicates my decision to stop drinking and I look forward to videoing the next time that they are drunk and playing it the next day, 40 foot high and wide, on the side of the Liver Buildings with a revolving message underneath that reads, “Payback’s a bitch”, “Not so funny now is it” or simply “Big Twat”. It wouldn’t surprise me in the slightest to get hit with a big fine for using the last one for false advertising and/or slander. It’s probably best if I leave the revolving text off the bottom, it could be seen as overkill. On the other hand, I could stick a 0800 number on there, leave the text on there and make a killing.

 Anyway, my not drinking was put to its first test when at the weekend I joined my younger Brother, David and doppelganger, Dad, at the 21^st birthday party of Phil, David’s best pal and all around good guy, where I sat in the corner for an hour or so, slowly drinking a can of coke and smug in the knowledge that I wouldn’t wake in the morning after having publically urinated in his garden, danced with myself and attempted to woo a married, much elder, relative of the birthday boy. On the other hand I was very boring and so I’m yet to decide which is the lesser of the two evils. For now at least I will decide against week long hangovers and self loathing.

Now if your reading this in the future and would like some context as to when I am writing this I will take this opportunity to say that England have just, this very week, won the ashes. That just happened.

Right, I’ve scanned my little notepad again for things that I have achieved since I last sat here and have found no inspiration and so I’ll leave now to jump straight into my latest read, the 3^rd Volume of the Smoking Diaries. I finished the second volume a couple of nights ago and had planned to move onto “The Essential Groucho” but it was not to be. “Ok, just one page” I told myself sternly and without first stopping to think how ridiculous it is to talk to one’s self. Ten pages later and the bookmark was taken from the pages of Groucho’s endless wit and wisdom and he was replaced on the bookshelf to joke another day. I did however, later that evening, atone for this slap in the face of comedy by watching Monkey Business, Duck Soup and Room Service. What can I say; I’m a sucker for the funnies. I’m not sure at this point why I’m still writing; maybe I’m not finished just yet. Oh yes you bloody well are Beattie. I appear to be talking to myself again and so I’ll stop now before I ramble on and take up any more of my time.   

Thank you once again for stopping in and reading. Until next time,

Django Reinhardt on, book out, bag of Everton mints open, and I’m gone.

Andrew

P.S. Ah ha, I forgot something that I noted down in my pad. I, Andrew Beattie, would like to join a Writers Circle in Liverpool, or online. If you are in one, or can recommend one, give me a shout with the details and I’ll reward you with riches beyond my wildest imagination.