Who Is Andrew Beattie?

Hello, still here?

Thanks for stopping by again so soon. If you’re expecting a jaunty little number about a time in my life when something remotely humorous happened then look away now. If you are still reading at this point I must warn you, very bad things are about to happen.

I had a sleepless night last night, partially reciting what I had written yesterday and the rest of the time wondering why I had chosen to put Wu-Tang clan on to help me sleep. The last part is neither here nor there although it is quite the odd choice of bed-time music right? Anyway, so yesterday’s spurious Love rambling and questioning conundrum stuck with me all day in work today and whilst sat on the toilet pondering this I decided that I must put this Love debacle to bed once and for all for the sake of my plans for the year.

Before I go on with my solution to the love problem I would just like to address, if I may, the fact that I was pondering whilst on the toilet. Everyone has their own particular toilet habits; some will read and indeed have a stack of magazines by the side of the loo ready and waiting when the urge strikes to turn the bowels over. Some like to be in and out quick, my brother for instance who has a 5 second record that still baffles me to this day. Others like me, take a more varied approach to the loo, it really depends what mood I’m in. If I’m aware that I’m rushed, I have a meeting to attend for instance, I can be in and out like a flash, not in 5 seconds, but quick enough so that I’m punctual, empty and with clean hands on arrival. Other times, I’ll have a scan on my blackberry, the latest transfer rumours or maybe even a quick hand of poker. Today, I decided that I wanted some me time and in times like this I will purposely leave the blackberry or newspaper at the desk, I never answer calls from the loo, so that I can enjoy some alone time, ponder a while, count the tiles, maybe even whistle some Beatles whilst reflecting about the rigours of daily life and in the case of today, make a plan.

So, the plan. I decided that as I am basically putting my life onto my blog/diary I will let my blog and fate do the whole Love thing for me from here on in. Then I don’t have to worry about it at all, see? Here then follows Andrew Beattie’s lonely hearts ad and I really shouldn’t have written about toilet habits above.

25 year old Bill Oddie lookalike, over-weight, beard wearing, smoker, seeks opposite. Likes reading and actually prefers books to people, except you? Will entertain walking but only in short bursts and wears comfortable and loose clothing, not necessarily matching, at all times. Likes to eat out but hates restaurants and will not eat raw tomatoes, not even for money. Hates your music and dislikes Morris Dancers, Andrew Beattie, he’s a real catch. Also, owns filofax.

Ok so I may be a novice at this and whilst I understand that my being honest about the smoking might put a few thousand people off I’m sure that this will work just fine, a giant first step towards happiness. Christ, I can feel the waves of relief washing over me already. I’m glad I came back here to write tonight, I can almost feel the tremendous slumber I will enjoy after shedding the heavy burden of Love onto the broad welcoming shoulders of fate.

Right, totally oblivious to my own rubbish I’ll be off now to look forward to the rest of my week. I won’t even consider for one moment how this one post could totally ruin my chances of ever finding Love and happiness and destroy one of my main aims for the year, in January.

Sorry that you had to witness this. Until next time,

Get some new magazines by the loo please.

Cheerio,

Andrew Beattie