Who Is Andrew Beattie?

“Hello Again” Andrew said sheepishly, attempting to avert his eyes from the many staring faces,

I hope you are all super cool and ace.

So, I’m back and in an attempt to hide my complete guilt for taking almost 3 weeks to write to you I will move straight on to today’s feature presentation: The films that sex my senses. It’s a spurious title to say the least but I’m going to stick with it as it’s a) relevant to what I’m about to write about and b) much better than my only other title option: Films that I do like. So go and grab some popcorn, hold on to your hotdogs, slurp from that vat of pop, salsa up them there nachos and please, for the love of god, turn your fucking mobiles off, Jesus.

I love films, there, said it. I love good films, I love poor films, God damn it I just love all them bloody films from vomit inducing rom coms to gritty tear jerking war epics, Harry Potter to man eating sharks, Swaggering aliens to big scary Cowboys, Tarantino to Holly Golightly, I love them them all, but not equally. If I loved them all equally I’d not be able to do what I’m about to do which is pick a list of my favourite films and then I’d really be in the shit wouldn’t I?

Well I still may be in the shit guys; I’ll leave you in suspense. I will reveal one massive spoiler (Spoiler Alert) and that is, at present, I still haven’t picked my list, whoops. I do have a list, but it has around 30 films on it, and I’m picking five, my five favourite. I’m like the directors of Lost, and just like the viewers, I have no fucking clue what comes next. I’ll just get on with it then shall I? Roll film:

The following feature presentation has been rated ‘B’ for ‘Bollocks’ and may contain words, phrases, sentences and paragraphs that most readers will find grammatically offensive.

1. Rio Bravo – 1959 – John Wayne, Dean Martin and Ricky Nelson

I’m certainly not the biggest fan of Westerns as a genre. I mean I like them and when they are on, I’ll watch them, and gladly, but only after searching through the channels for alternative flicks. Rio Bravo is the exception to this rule, and a big exception at that; there is not another film that I’d turn it off for, not one. It may be the swaggering sheriff played by John Wayne or the drunk deputy played by Dean Martin. It’s not however; it’s all of it, every character and every scene. As for that little song routine Ricky and Dean, a guitar and a harmonica, that Sweet County sound, yes siree. Don’t just take my word for it however, watch this:

Just beautiful.

2. Jaws – 1975 – Roy Scheider, Robert Shaw, Richard Dreyfuss

I love sharks. Sharks scare me to within 4.5mm of my life. I also like the 1970’s American small town beach type scene. I love the film poster for Jaws; it sits proudly on my wall. I Love Chief Martin Brody, his booze and his shitty old pickup truck. I Love Matt Hooper, he knows sharks. I Love Sam Quint, he hunts sharks. I could have told them all that they would need a bigger boat but they’d have not listened and anyway if they had I’d have never heard my most favourite of all film lines: “Smile you son of a…”

Show me the way to go home indeed.

3. Forrest Gump – 1994 – Tom Hanks, Robin Wright Penn, Gary Sinise

The fact that this film covers so many different periods of history, famous companies, famous people, includes a war, Elvis, Cool Nike Trainers, a love story, American football and Tom Hanks, makes it quite astonishing. I mean it is isn’t it? It just keeps romping from one major event and key period in history to the next and all with a central character that is just about as loveable as a character can get. Life is like a box of chocolates and if this film was a chocolate it’d be the one’s I eat first and quickly before my mother eat them and ruins the whole fucking box for me every time by leaving me the Strawberry Creams and Turkish Delight which represent ‘Are we there yet’ and ‘Driving Miss Daisy’ et al.

See also the Forrest Gump Soundtrack as it’s equally astonishing.

4. Back to the Future – 1985 – Michael J. Fox, Christopher Lloyd, Lea Thompson

As a concept there is no better than a teenager befriending a mad scientist who owns a time travelling Delorian and a dog named Einstein. The unlikely pair then travel back to the past, the teenager gets stuck, shit, and we all know what happens from here. You do know what happens from here right? Christ, this film is fucking awesome and the box set is quite simply a must have in any DVD collection and if you haven’t got a collection already then start it with this.

Time Travelling is awesome; time travelling to the ‘Power of Love’ by Huey Lewis and the News is fucking spectacular.

5. Notting Hill – 1999 – Julia Roberts, Hugh Grant, Richard McCabe

I have a soft spot for the characters that Hugh Grant plays; that lovable twat, a bumbling British idiot, with floppy hair who always gets the good looking leading lady, and Renee Zellweger. But Julia Fucking Roberts? Christ. For me this film is wonderful and more so for having the idiot Welsh housemate of Grant, Spike, played by Rhys Ifans who delivers one of my favourite film lines in a way that never fails to make my ‘balls shrink to the size of raisins’ (another great spike quote): “I knew a girl at school called Pandora. Never got to see her box, though.” 

Notting Hill: Great British comedy, instantly watchable and endlessly endearing.

Those that never made it but came damn close: Dr. No, Life of Brian, The Godfather, Indiana Jones, Love Happy, Duck Soup, Space Jam, Toy Story, Once Upon a Time in America, Nightmare before Christmas, Full Metal Jacket and The Hudsucker Proxy.

THE END

So there it is film fans. I’m actually quite happy with how my list turned out there considering I chose as I wrote but it seems to make sense to me now, they are my go to films of choice when nothing else will do. A strong conclusion there then without a cliffhanger in sight, sequels are almost always a disappointment anyhow.

On that Zombie bloodbath guys I’ll be off now so you can take off the 3D specs and file out over half chewed popcorn into the cold light of day. I’ll be back before the weekends out to tell you a tale of Birthdays, Twitter gatherings, London, Cheltenham and 3 back to booze weeks in my life. Until then,

This is Andrew Beattie’s life: Take 26.

Cheerio,

Andrew Beattie