Who Is Andrew Beattie?

Are we alone in this universe? You know, us, earthlings, we, are we alone? In what is effectively an infinite universe containing millions upon millions of solar systems that science, and therefore we, still have not got the foggiest about, is it just us alone on this little rock we call home?

You know what? I hope not, and I’ve a sneaking suspicion I may not be the only earthling that feels this way.

I’d really like to believe that there is life out there in the infinite universe. I’d also like to believe that this life has the ability to fly large space ships across, well space, and visit whenever they finally feel the urge to say hello, in whatever form another being that we are not aware of says hello. I’d also like to believe that, like many popular sci-fi books, films, shows and myths, that these aliens have big green heads, fly red rocket ships and shoot ray guns that can instantly disintegrate an earthling at 50 paces, but then that’s just me. Some people I know would prefer Klingons, maybe the odd Dalek thrown in for good measure and Christ even I’d like a Time Lord but when it comes to the infinite possibilities of life other than our own in the universe it is quite literally each to their own, we’d probably all be wrong.

No matter what form this life could potentially take the undoubted sheer awesomeness of the questions still burns brightly and so it’s no surprise that throughout history us earthlings have made repeated attempts to contact the life that we are not sure is out there using various methods, some crazy, in fact all of them crazy.

I have also been touched by this intergalactic communication bug and whilst reading Jules Verne’s’ From the Earth to the Moon recently I had a light bulb moment of sorts, a real moment of true earthling inspiration; I’m going to write a series of letters to my little green giant head aliens with the big red rocket ships and ray guns that can instantly disintegrate an earthling at 50 paces.

But how would I get these letters to them? I mean I certainly couldn’t afford the postage to the edge of the universe. I decided then, and pretty quickly, to make an assumption about my little green aliens with the big red rocket ships and so on and so forth and that is they have been quietly casing the joint, watching and studying us earthlings for many years waiting for someone, just one bloody person, from Liverpool, to take one giant leap for mankind and write them a letter, in English. Its actually several assumptions but all along the same lines.  

I also assumed that if these little green aliens with all the stuff I want them to have, have been watching quietly, most probably from the dark side of the moon, that they have cottoned on to this internet thing of ours and that due to the fact that almost everything is now accessible through the internet that they have enough knowledge of everything earthly to understand perfect English, and not so perfect English, and instead of patronising these potential intergalactic visitors by explaining everything about everything about everything, I won’t because I won’t have to. It’s a great plan but then they probably planned it that way already, these are some smart aliens you know.

Having kindly made the decision to represent the planet in this matter I now have to decide what to write, weekly, in these little messages into the infinity, or the dark side of the moon. As such I’ll be writing my first one next week at some point and then weekly from there until a) You or I get bored with it, b) The aliens arrive in time for afternoon tea, converse with my cat in perfect feline, and zap me into oblivion with a little ray gun at 50 paces or c) I am taken by the American government to Area 51 in Air Force 1 with a bag over my head and then shown some serious top level shit by Professor Brian Cox, before being killed, by an early example Alien ray gun found in Sweden and shot by a laughing Sir Patrick Moore. I’d also really like to know what you’d like to say, or like me to say, and so please feel free to send your comments and suggestions to me or even a whole letter that I can send off on your behalf.

Right, so it’s decided then, this time-ish next week I’ll be sending my first letter into space, kind of, via this very website, which for reasons I’ve already explained makes perfect sense. I leave you then this time round a mere man, mortal and earthling but know this fellow earthlings, mice and dolphins, when I return I shall still be a mere man, mortal and earthling, but I’ll also be an official Earth representative to life other than ours in the universe. Cool hey?

14^th April 2010

Andrew ‘Barbicane’ Beattie