Who Is Andrew Beattie?

Earth Calling, Earth Calling………Come in Space, come in space…………….

Hello, Nanu Nanu, and warm earthly greetings,

Thank you for patiently watching, and waiting.

Homo sapiens: the specific name of modern man; the only extant species of the genus Homo. This species also includes extinct types of primitive man such as Cro-Magnon man

[New Latin, from Latin homo man + sapiens wise]

There are two distinct categories of Homo sapiens, the species to which I belong, worth noting in your earth logs from this point forward. There are those that at every opportunity look up to the sky, more often than not the night sky, past the clouds, past the large metal objects that transport other homo sapiens from one region of the planet to the other, through the atmosphere that surrounds and indeed makes possible life on our planet, gazing at a sky full of stars, and looking, watching, always imagining life other than our own in the farthest reaches of infinity, and there are those that don’t. My name is Andrew Beattie and I look up.

I’m not sure why I’ve decided to write to you, or even what I’m going to say for the most part, but here I am, a self elected representative for those that look up, gazing and longing, and for the most part, looking for you. You see I know that you’re intelligent and I know that you are watching, probably from the dark side of the moon, and as I’m certain that you’ve been watching for a while. I’m also pretty certain that you are aware of the modern phenomenon we call the internet. As such you’ll know all about us, or will you?

You see, us Homo sapiens are indescribably complicated as a species. We have throughout history developed society, class, invented religions, continually killed ourselves in wars often to do with the religions we invented, polluted our planet and created beautiful art to name but a few of our ‘achievements’ and yet as a species we are never satisfied, we continue to move on and invent, create and destroy and we are the only species, on this planet at least, that continues to ask; why?

It’s not just why though; How? When? Who? What? are all amongst the questions that you will have observed Homo sapiens asking over and over and in some cases seemingly asking you directly on the dark side of the moon. You did right not to answer in 99.99% of cases. I’ll explain why another time.  

Another time as I plan to write you a series of letters, say 10, to start and then we’ll see how we are getting on. I don’t require a response from you as yet but the time will come when I know you’ll respond anyhow, even if it is just to say you’ve had enough, are packing up all the cheese and crackers, taking the Penguins back and leaving the Milky Way for good. I hope you’ll stay long enough for me to tell you about Politics, it’s a hoot, but you really mustn’t leave without me at least having told you about, Religion. You simply won’t believe it, or will you?

In case you do ever decide to write back I have a number of questions that I’d like to ask. I’ll ask them now, at this starting point of such, to give you ample time to consider the answers, or find them if you don’t know them already. In return for answering these questions I’ll let you take me with you when you go as an example of Homo sapiens in your collection. I’ll also tell you about war and sport at some point and you won’t want to miss that one. So, some questions:

Is there an answer to the ultimate question? Is there an ultimate question? Is it all worth knowing anyway even if there is an answer to the ultimate question or even an ultimate question to begin with? Can we possibly save our planet for complete destruction by our own hands? Will we destroy it before time and supernova? And finally, why did the chicken cross the road?

So, there are my questions for you. In return I shall regale you with tales of earthly wonderment and possibly even help to answer some of the questions that you have about our little planet Earth. That is assuming that you have questions at all, which I’m quietly confident you do.

I’ll leave it there for this week, hopefully leaving you hanging onto the very edge of your space table, how I long to see what your space table looks like, and when I return I’ll do so with a story about Homo sapiens and our relationship with our planet. Until then,

Keep watching.

Yours and still gazing upwards,

Andrew Beattie

Footnote for Earth:

Well it’s a start isn’t it? Yes, that was clearly a start of sorts. Did I miss anything out star gazers? Is there anything you’d particularly like me to ask our Intergalactic Travelling Space Alien Friends? You know there is, so tell me already….

Are we alone in this universe? You know, us, earthlings, we, are we alone? In what is effectively an infinite universe containing millions upon millions of solar systems that science, and therefore we, still have not got the foggiest about, is it just us alone on this little rock we call home?

You know what? I hope not, and I’ve a sneaking suspicion I may not be the only earthling that feels this way.

I’d really like to believe that there is life out there in the infinite universe. I’d also like to believe that this life has the ability to fly large space ships across, well space, and visit whenever they finally feel the urge to say hello, in whatever form another being that we are not aware of says hello. I’d also like to believe that, like many popular sci-fi books, films, shows and myths, that these aliens have big green heads, fly red rocket ships and shoot ray guns that can instantly disintegrate an earthling at 50 paces, but then that’s just me. Some people I know would prefer Klingons, maybe the odd Dalek thrown in for good measure and Christ even I’d like a Time Lord but when it comes to the infinite possibilities of life other than our own in the universe it is quite literally each to their own, we’d probably all be wrong.

No matter what form this life could potentially take the undoubted sheer awesomeness of the questions still burns brightly and so it’s no surprise that throughout history us earthlings have made repeated attempts to contact the life that we are not sure is out there using various methods, some crazy, in fact all of them crazy.

I have also been touched by this intergalactic communication bug and whilst reading Jules Verne’s’ From the Earth to the Moon recently I had a light bulb moment of sorts, a real moment of true earthling inspiration; I’m going to write a series of letters to my little green giant head aliens with the big red rocket ships and ray guns that can instantly disintegrate an earthling at 50 paces.

But how would I get these letters to them? I mean I certainly couldn’t afford the postage to the edge of the universe. I decided then, and pretty quickly, to make an assumption about my little green aliens with the big red rocket ships and so on and so forth and that is they have been quietly casing the joint, watching and studying us earthlings for many years waiting for someone, just one bloody person, from Liverpool, to take one giant leap for mankind and write them a letter, in English. Its actually several assumptions but all along the same lines.  

I also assumed that if these little green aliens with all the stuff I want them to have, have been watching quietly, most probably from the dark side of the moon, that they have cottoned on to this internet thing of ours and that due to the fact that almost everything is now accessible through the internet that they have enough knowledge of everything earthly to understand perfect English, and not so perfect English, and instead of patronising these potential intergalactic visitors by explaining everything about everything about everything, I won’t because I won’t have to. It’s a great plan but then they probably planned it that way already, these are some smart aliens you know.

Having kindly made the decision to represent the planet in this matter I now have to decide what to write, weekly, in these little messages into the infinity, or the dark side of the moon. As such I’ll be writing my first one next week at some point and then weekly from there until a) You or I get bored with it, b) The aliens arrive in time for afternoon tea, converse with my cat in perfect feline, and zap me into oblivion with a little ray gun at 50 paces or c) I am taken by the American government to Area 51 in Air Force 1 with a bag over my head and then shown some serious top level shit by Professor Brian Cox, before being killed, by an early example Alien ray gun found in Sweden and shot by a laughing Sir Patrick Moore. I’d also really like to know what you’d like to say, or like me to say, and so please feel free to send your comments and suggestions to me or even a whole letter that I can send off on your behalf.

Right, so it’s decided then, this time-ish next week I’ll be sending my first letter into space, kind of, via this very website, which for reasons I’ve already explained makes perfect sense. I leave you then this time round a mere man, mortal and earthling but know this fellow earthlings, mice and dolphins, when I return I shall still be a mere man, mortal and earthling, but I’ll also be an official Earth representative to life other than ours in the universe. Cool hey?

14^th April 2010

Andrew ‘Barbicane’ Beattie